Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
