last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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