i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize