sarcasm needs its own font
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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