i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
