I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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