I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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