Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
