How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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