i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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