remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
