I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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