I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
