Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
