a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
