so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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