Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
