I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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