My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
