apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
