i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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