new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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