i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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