Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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