walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
