Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize