a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
