If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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