My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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