never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
