Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
