pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my moral compass just broke
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
