someone threw a dead crab at me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have tasted many bathrooms
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
