Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
