i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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