I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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