the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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