Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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