so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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