By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
