i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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