i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
