Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
