I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
