Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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