Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
