i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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