Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
