I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
