sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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