Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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