I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
