I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
