I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
