I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
