Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
